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ADAM AND EVE’S FIRST BABY
“He has no hair!” Adam exclaimed. “That’s his head coming out…he’s upside down!”
“I hope everything is alright”, Eve said.
A moment later, Adam smiled. “It’s a boy!” He set the infant on his mother’s belly. Then his smile turned to alarm. “Uh, oh”, he said. “What’s this cord? Why, he’s still attached!”
Maybe he wasn’t ready to come out yet”, Eve said. “Where’s the instruction manual Heavenly Father gave us?”
Adam was already scanning the index of the massive tome. “Ah, here it is”, he said “Page 4,264. It’s called an umbilical cord. I’m supposed to tie it off and cut it. It says it won’t hurt.”
“Why is he still crying?” Eve said.
“Maybe he’s hungry”, said Adam. “I wonder what he eats.”
Eve said, “You can get an idea of what an animal eats by looking at his teeth. What kind of teeth does he have?”
“Oh, no!” exclaimed Adam. “He doesn’t have any teeth at all! What else can go wrong”, he sighed.
As if on cue, the air before them shimmered for a moment, and suddenly, there stood Lucifer.
“Stay away from my baby”, Eve warned.
“I have no intention of harming your little one”, said Lucifer. “On the contrary, I’m here to offer my assistance.”
“The last time you offered your assistance, we got kicked out of the Garden”, said Eve.
“Nature has to take its course”, Lucifer responded. “I was only helping it along a little. Besides, it was for your own good.”
“You left out a few details”, Eve said flatly.
“Ah, lets let bygones be bygones”, Lucifer said with a wave of his hand.
“Just keep your distance”, said Eve, pulling up the baby to nurse.
Adam looked at his son and smiled. “He looks like me, only tiny”, he said. “I wonder how fast he’ll grow up?”
“Probably a couple of years”, Eve said.
“That long?” said Adam, surprised.
Eve nodded. “It takes a baby kangaroo two years to grow up, and elephants take even longer.”
“Obviously, you haven’t read the manual yet”, said Lucifer.
“It’s so thick” Adam hedged. He thumbed through it again. “Here it is”, he said. “Page 8,412. It says here it takes 18 years to grow up. It must be a misprint.”
Lucifer smiled. “There are no misprints in that book”, he said.
“I wonder how long before he starts walking?” said Eve. “A few weeks?”
“Yes”, said Lucifer, “about 52 of them.”
“What?” said Eve. “You mean I have to carry him around for a year? How am I going to get food on the table?”
Lucifer’s smile indicated he was enjoying the situation, “I’d be more than happy to take him off your hands from time to time. I can take him for walks… teach him to talk. I have plenty of time.”
“No thank you”, said Adam. “We’ll manage.”
Lucifer sighed and shook his head. “I’m only trying to help”, he said.
“You’ll fill his head with all sorts of things”, said Adam. “I don’t trust you. You’re always up to some mischief.”
“I won’t hold that against you”, said Lucifer.
“Then at least make yourself useful and help me clean up this mess”, said Adam.
“Housekeeping is not part of my job description”, said Lucifer.
“Then what is?” asked Adam.
“I’ll have you know, I’m very good with babies. I already know the manual, and I would make a most excellent uncle. Hmm”, he said, “Uncle Lucifer… I like the sound of that. It has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”
“The only thing I’m going to wring is your neck”, said Adam.
“Tsk-tsk”, said Lucifer. “I’m only trying to make things easier.”
“Oh, no!” cried Eve. “He just urinated on my best blanket.”
“Diapering: page 6,120”, quoted Lucifer. He picked up a nearby cloth and handed it to Adam. “You’d better have plenty of these”, he said.
“Lets see”, said Adam. “Page 6,120... There’s a diagram. This looks easy enough.”
Lucifer smirked. “It takes two people to make a baby because it takes two people to raise one.”
“How hard can it be?” mused Adam.
“That was just urine”, replied Lucifer. “Just wait until the other stuff starts coming out.”
Adam admired the new bundle of joy. “I wish there were two”, he said. “One for each of us.”
Lucifer suppressed a chuckle. “Be careful what you wish for”, he said. “Another one will be here before you know it.”
“And another and another and another”, Lucifer added. Adam’s smile drooped at that.
“All those hungry mouths to feed”, said Adam.
“All those clothes I have to make”, said Eve.
“Yes”, said Lucifer. “You’re in for a lot of surprises. Some of them are even good!”