BACK TO MAGRANN CLAN HOME
DO YOU KNOW A GOOD, CLEAN IRISH JOKE?
SEND IT IN!
You've Gotta Love the Irish!
How do you get an Irishman up on the roof?
Tell him the drinks are on the house!
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. "S' cuse me", said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done," What was that all about?" "Nothin', said the Irishman, "me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
The Lost Luggage
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick. "No," replied the Irishman. "I've lost all me luggage!" "How'd that happen?" "The cork fell out!" said the Irishman.
Water to wine
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad." Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin' victim to temptation." Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, "What a terrible pity...one of the girls must be quite ill."
Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg. "Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"
Lost at Sea
Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!
You've Been Drinking Again
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So, the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again. So he decided to crawl the four blocks home. Again, he fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into the bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "SO YOU'VE BEEN DRINKING AGAIN!" Putting on an innocent look, and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."
KISS ON THE TRAIN
An Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer were sitting together in a carriage in a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.
train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the
Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand
against his face as he had been slapped there.
The Englishman was thinking, "The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead."
Claudia Schiffer was thinking, "The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it."
And the Irishman was thinking, "This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Englishman again."
THE PARTY CLOWN
A lady is
giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out --
caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two down-and-out Irishmen show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air.
She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY PATRICK...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
"Hey, Nice Tie''
walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
"Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere. He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it.
"Hey! Nice shirt!" The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere.
"Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.
"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."
What are the pictures?
A young lad in
church asked Father O’Brian, "Who are all those men in the pictures?"
Father O’Brian replied, "Why, those are our boys who died in the service".
The youngster asked, "Was that the morning service or the evening service?"
Hide him during a war
went to his priest: "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a
refugee in my attic."
"Well," answered the priest, "that's not a sin."
"But I made him agree to pay me $20 for every week he stayed."
"I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause."
"Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question...Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
A sick little girl at church
said, “I have to throw up!"
"Then go to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."
In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
A Irish woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan". Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
An Irishman lay sprawled across three entire
seats in the posh theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered
to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but
didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there
I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which
infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search
of his manager.
In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Timothy," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Timothy?" With pain in his voice Timothy replied "The balcony."
There were these two old guys...
There were two old Irishmen, Patrick and Michael, sitting on a bench in a park feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, just like they did every day.
Patrick turns to Michael and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Patrick thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: If I die first, I will come back and tell you -- and if you die first, you come back and tell me -- if there is baseball in heaven."
They shake on it and, sadly, a few months later poor Michael passes on.
One day soon afterward, Patrick is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Patrick… Patrick...."
Patrick responds, "Michael! Is that you?"
"Yes it is Patrick," whispers the spirit of Michael.
Patrick, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Michael says, "I got good news and I got bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Patrick.
Michael says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Patrick says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Michael sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
So She Stayed by Your Side
Patsy Murphy’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
Highway Patrol Officer McDoogle sees a car going really slowly on the 22 eastbound freeway. He pulls the car over and sees four little old Irish ladies in the car. Three of them were as white as a ghost, shaking like leaves, but the fourth one, behind the wheel, smiles and says calmly, “Hello, officer! What can I do for you?”
The officer says, “Ma’am, you were going so slowly, you’re going to get hit by a car from behind.”
The woman says, “But I was going the speed limit, 22 mph.”
The officer says, “That’s not the speed limit, that’s the name of the freeway! And why are your friends so scared?”
She said, “Oh, they’ll be alright. We just got of the 405 freeway.”
Take Me Out To The Ball Game
A doctor at a mental institution, Dr. O’Hare, decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. He was a very dedicated doctor to his patients and he affectionately called them his “Nuts”.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" and they all sat down. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" and they all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot-dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress.
Finding his assistant, he asked what happened, "what in the heck is going on"?.
The assistant replied, well...everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled,
The State Trooper
A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about two Miles north of the PA/MD state line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler, and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him, he would not give him a ticket.
The juggler said okay, so the trooper got three flares from his trunk, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car, a drunk Irishman got out, and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door, and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way in the world I can pass that test."
WHERE IS HE?
What do you call an Irish woman who knows where her husband is 24 hours a day/seven days a week?
A: A widow.
Three old Irishmen were chatting at a bar. One of them said; Hay O’Grady! Isn't this your 50th anniversary?
O’Grady replies, “Yep”.
“Well”, his friend asked, “what are you planning on doing?”
O’Grady replies, “Well! I remember taking my wife to Arizona on our 25th anniversary.”
The other old timer asked, “Oh ya, so what are your plans for your 50th anniversary?”
O’Grady replies, “I'm going back to pick her up!!!!!!!”
An older woman went to the doctor's
office where she was seen by one of the new young Irish doctors. After about 4
minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the
Another doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
Then he marched down the hallway to where the Irish doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 68 years old; she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The Irish doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up he asked,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"
Farmer McNally had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 a.m., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?" The other farmer replied, "If they're in the grass in the morning, they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, they're not."
The next morning the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again. This continued each morning for more than a week.
One morning the farmer was so tired, he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're in the station wagon and one of them is honking the horn."
THE IRISH LIFE
Tommy McGuigan’s first job was working in an orange juice factory, but he got canned... couldn't concentrate. Then he worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but he just couldn't hack it, so they gave him the ax. After that he tried to be a tailor, but he just wasn't suited for it. Next he tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting. Next was a job in a shoe factory; he tried but he just didn't fit in. He became a professional fisherman, but discovered that he couldn't live on his net income. He managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then he got a job in a gymnasium , but they said he wasn't fit for the job. He finally got a job as a historian until he realized there was no future in it. SO HE RETIRED, AND FOUND HE IS A PERFECT FIT FOR THE JOB!
A man is at work one day when he
notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative Irishman, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't
know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a
lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, I've some
bad news for you. You have cancer and it can't be cured. You'd best put your
affairs in order." O'Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid
character, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into
the waiting room, where his son had been waiting. "Well son, we Irish celebrate
when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go well. In this case,
things aren't well. I have cancer. Let's head to the pub and have a few pints."
After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There
were some laughs and some more beers.
They were eventually approached by some of O'Malley's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. O'Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad.
He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, "I have been diagnosed with AIDS." The friends gave O'Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers.
After the friends left, O'Malley's son leaned over and whispered his confusion. "Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!"
O'Malley said, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone."
What does Ireland have
more of than any other country?
What did one Irish ghost
say to the other?
Where would you find a
leprechaun baseball team?
What do you call a
leprechaun's vacation home?
What did St. Patrick say
to the snakes?
Are there many selfish
people in Ireland?
Did you hear about the
man who wanted to sound Irish?
Why did the Irish tenor
stand on the chair?
What would you get if you
crossed a stupid boy with a well known Irish ballad?
What would you get if you
crossed a leprechaun with a bathroom?
Cook l: "What do you
think of my Irish stew?"
Did you hear about the
leprechaun who worked at the diner?
Do leprechauns get angry
when you make fun of their height?
Are people jealous of the
What would you get if you
crossed Quasimodo with an Irish football player?
Do leprechauns make good
How did the leprechaun
beat the Irishman to the pot of gold?
Why are leprechauns so
hard to get along with?
What baseball position do
leprechauns usually play?
Why is Ireland like a
What do you call a clumsy
What do you get when two
leprechauns have a conversation?
What's the best way to
get a letter to Ireland?
What would you get if you
crossed a leprechaun with a frog?
What did the leprechaun
say to the elf?
What do you call a rainy
day in Ireland?
Irishman: "How long will
you be staying in Ireland?"
Did you hear about the
leprechaun who went to jail?
What kind of music does a
leprechaun band play?
The Word of the
Day for March 17 is:
doch-an-dorris \dahkh-un-DOR-is\ noun
Scottish & Irish : a parting drink : stirrup cup
Our kind host supplied us with a wee doch-an-dorris, and then we set off on our journey feeling happy and grateful.
Did you know?
In Scottish Gaelic, it's spelled "deoch an doruis"; in Irish, it's "deoch an dorrias." In either case, it means, literally, "drink of the door" and it refers to the time-honored practice of sharing a parting drink with one's host or guests. But lest you think this custom is practiced only by the descendants of the Gaels, know that "doch-an-dorris" (as it's spelled in English and used primarily by the Scots and the Irish) has an English synonym: "stirrup cup." Originally a small drink of wine or something else taken by a rider about to depart on horseback, "stirrup cup" later acquired the general meaning of "a farewell drink."
Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "
The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"
The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"
The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."
The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"
The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."
The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! So did I!! And to what school would you have been going?"
The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."
The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"
The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."
The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self."
About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight!!!!"
Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
“The Murphy twins are drunk again."
Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one
night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
AND THE BEST FOR LAST
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for 20
years, but he will kill any man who does.
Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn
thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so
often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a
An American lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an
Irishman a question, he answers with another question?"
"Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
Question - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
Answer - So the English can understand them.
Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out
and announced, "Not guilty."
"That's grand!" shouted Reilly. "Does that mean I can keep the money?"
Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin'
in the vase on the mantle piece?"
"No," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
Q. What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
"O'Ryan," asked the druggist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve
your wife's appearance?"
"It did, surely," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
Finnegan: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up 'til two
o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegan: Waitin' for me to come home.