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SAMPSON AND DELILAH
“What happened to the door?’ asked Delilah.
“It was stuck and I accidentally pulled it off the hinges”, said Sampson.
“It was locked, dear. Use the key.”
“Never mind. Help me with the groceries, will you dear?”
“Sure, honey. Sit down, I’ll get them.” Sampson returned with all seven bags at once. He set them down on the counter, and then went to rub her feet.
“Ow! Not so hard, honey”, she said.
“Sorry. Don’t know my own strength”, he said. He rubbed as gently as he could.
“How was your bowling league game?” Delilah asked.
“Not so good. I gat banned from the bowling ally.”
“Not another accident, was it?” she said.
“I’m afraid so. Not only did I smash the pins, but the bowling ball was pulverized when it crashed through the outside wall of the bowling ally.”
“Oh, Dear”, Delilah said, “I told you not to get excited.”
“They’ll send me the bill.”
“I’ll add it with the others.” She sighed. “Sampson, you’ve got to get a job. We’re going broke just trying to keep up on your damages.”
“I’m sorry, honey. I’ll try to be more careful.”
“You always say that.”
“I tried to get a job at the country club”, he said. “But they won’t hire me. I don’t know why.”
“I told you to get a haircut”, she said.
“I’ve never cut it before, and I’m not going to start now.”
“You’ll look more presentable”, Delilah said.
“My hair makes me feel strong, like a lion.”
“It’s longer than mine”, Delilah complained.
Sampson sighed. “I wish we could go one night without arguing about it.”
“Well, my mother’s coming next weekend. You know she hates it.”
“She never said anything to me about it”, Sampson said.
“Well, I never hear the end of it. Can you go and pick her up?”
“I don’t know if the chariot will be fixed by then.”
“What happened to the chariot?”
“I accidentally broke the wheel.”
“The mechanic is giving me a discount. He says I’m his best customer.”
“This is going to set us back even more” Delilah said.
“I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more careful.”
“Sampson, you’ve got to get a job. Try a new line of work, where no one knows you break things.”
“Like a desk job?”
“Sure, why not?”
“They never hire me. I’m not sure why.
“A haircut won’t hurt. And a new suit.”
“Well”, Sampson said, “I’ve got to get some kind of work before your mother gets here. She always brings up the topic at dinner.”
Promise me that you two won’t get into it again, Dear. Last time you crushed one of our best dinner goblets.”
“I can’t promise anything, but I’ll try.”
“How did your try-outs go with the archery club?”
“I kept breaking the bows.”
“How about the
job at the shoemaker?”
“I kept breaking the shoelaces.”
“The tree-chopping guild?”
“I kept breaking the axe.”
“The rock quarry?”
“I kept breaking the grindstone shaft.”
“I hammer too hard.”
“The wrestling association?”
“No one will challenge me.”
“The uniform tore when I tried to put it on.”
“Are all of these people sending us bills for the damages?” Delilah said.
“I’m afraid so. I’m sorry. I’ll try to be more careful.”
“Oh, Sampson, you’ve got to get a job.”
“I know, honey. I just have to find the right one.”
“The military could use you. They’ll take anyone.”
“They require a crew cut”, Sampson said.
“Oh, come on”, said Delilah, “do it for me. We can have a family portrait painted for my mother. She’ll love it.”
“But we’re going to war with the Philistines. They give health benefits during war time.”
“Love me, love my hair.”
Delilah sighed. “At least wear it in a ponytail. Those braids look ridiculous.”
“Lets go to bed, darling”, Sampson said. “I’ll look for work again in the morning.”
While Sampson slept, Delilah tossed and turned. She got up and went to the restroom. She pumped some water into the sink to wash her face. But when she was finished, the sink wouldn’t drain. It was clogged with hair. Sampson’s hair.
“I’ve had enough!” she said. She grabbed Sampson’s razor and chopped off his braids while he slept. “Now he’s sure to get a job”, she said. “He’ll thank me when the money starts coming in.”
“Hmm”, she thought. “I’ll bet we can even get a lot of money for his hair. She picked up the seven long braids. “I’ll get him a nice birthday present. That set of weight-lifting equipment he always dreams about. Then he’ll forgive me.”
But she couldn’t go back to sleep. “He’ll be so upset when he wakes up” she began to think. “What am I going to do?” She left the razor at his bedside and decided to get up early and make him an especially nice breakfast.
Sampson awake slowly. He had a dream that he had cut his hair and it made Delilah so happy.
“I’m going to the barber today to get my hair cut”, he decided as he rolled over in bed. “I’ll get it nicely styled and I’ll go out and get a desk job somewhere. When I come home, she’ll be so surprised! Then I’ll finally have my mother-in-law off my back. Everyone will be happy.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Hey!” he said. “What happened?” He went to the restroom and checked himself in the metal mirror. “I must be dreaming again”, he said. He went up to Delilah in the kitchen and pinched her.
“Ow!” she said. “What was that for?”
“I wanted to see if I’m still dreaming”, he said.
“Sampson, you’re supposed to pinch yourself.”
“Oh.” He gave himself a pinch. “Ow!” he said. “Does that mean I’m really awake?”
“Quite so, she said.
“What do you think of my hair?”
“It looks different”, Delilah said. “What did you do?”
“I had a dream that I cut it, and when I woke up, it was gone.”
“That’s nice dear. Here’s your breakfast.”
Sampson sat down and enjoyed the feast. “The only thing I can’t figure out though”, he said through a mouthful of food, “is what I did with my hair. I thought we could sell it.”
“Perhaps a rat took it to make a nest out of it”, Delilah suggested. “Oh, look! It’s right here in my purse.”
“It’s a good thing you looked”, said Sampson. “Let me know if you see that rat around here.”
“Yes, dear.” Delilah sighed with relief.
“Well“, Sampson said, “I’m going out to get a job. I’ll be back this evening.”
When he returned home, he found his house full of people.
“Sampson, I’m so glad you’re back”, said Delilah. “The Philistines have attacked. The army needs you.”
“Yes, said the captain. Never mind the haircut.”
Sampson sighed. “Alright”, he said. “Take me to my sword.”
The group left for the armory, but when Sampson tried to pick up his sword, he couldn’t budge it. “It’s no use, he said. “My strength is gone.”
“We still have that donkey jawbone you used last year to slay 7000 Philistines”, the servant said.
“I’m better off with a sword”, Sampson said. “I’ll use this little one.”
Sampson put forth a valiant effort in the battle, but he was soon taken captive. They put him to work as a slave in the grinding mill. Eventually, his hair began to grow back. When they found out who he was, they took him to the Arena to feed him to the lions. They tied him to the two huge pillars, which held up the entire seating audience of the Philistine army.
Sampson humbly prayed for his strength to return just one more time, and God answered his prayer. With a huge effort, he pushed the pillars down, destroying the entire Philistine army. The war was over.
“Hello, dear”, Delilah said when he came home. “What took you so long?”
“The Philistines detained me”, Sampson said. “It couldn’t be helped.
“Well, sit down”, she said. “I’ll get your dinner. How was your day?”
“Exhausting”, he said.
“Well, you look a mess. Go clean up while I make your dinner.”
Sampson did so, and felt refreshed. He came back in and said, “How do I look now?”
“Much better”, she said. “Only…”
“You need a haircut.”